Yup, still in lockdown. Still driving myself crazy. Still as anxious as ever. But I’m here.
Thank fucking Jesus, Mary and Joseph that my beloved therapist has made a recovery – without her I was surely on a one-way track to losing my mind and believe I have someone gathered myself together since ‘seeing’ her regularly again. But my anxiety is off the charts crazy. I am anxious about literally everything. I got so worked up the other night about the weather, I made my boyfriend bring every single one of my plants in from the garden so I could ‘tuck them in’ inside and make sure they weren’t to get too cold. I’m not sleeping very well, either. And lack of sleep is a killer for my sugar cravings which in turn fuck with my PCOS and make me spotty, grumpy and forever waiting for my period.
I could go on and on and on and probably even fill book number two with woes and complaints and worries. But you already know. We all do. Lockdown is shit, quarantine is so much harder than we ever thought possible, and these are unbelievably trying times. But if you’re reading this and I’m writing it, we are here. We are healthy (I hope!) and I don’t know about you, but I’m determined to put a positive spin on things. At least for a little while, anyway. At least for the next three weeks until I’m drinking again.
Even though there’s absolutely nothing to say, this is an amazing opportunity to stay connected and keep in contact with people. Whatsapp your friends on the reg, Facetime with your Nan when you can and Facebook message that gorgeous bartender from your wild Ibiza weekender way back when. Check in on people, as I know my mood changes considerably when people check in on me. We’re all bored off quizzes, right? So play something else! Have your own drag race or, I dunno, a virtual cook off. I’ve actually seen an online Escape Room you can do, too. Get your friends on Zoom and give them a catwalk of all the unnecessary loungewear you’ve treated yourself too. Or watch a Netflix film together. Send nudes! Regardless of what you’re doing or who you’re doing it with – just keep that contact door open and make sure you’re dipping in and out as much as you need to.
If you feel up to it, now is an optimum time to learn a new skill. Personally, I started attempting to learn Spanish on a languages app, but soon gave up and instead decided to perfect remembering to do the washing and cleaning the bathrooms once a week instead. For me, lockdown has been about organising, and nothing gets me off more. It’s been a sheer joy to write a list of what I’m going to sort that week, and spend my days surrounded by piles of shoes or photographs or baked bean tins all in the name of clearing out. And while I’m doing so, my boyfriend gets to perfect his skills on COD. Plus it means we are indulging in some absolutely necessary time apart. A win, win, if you will.
And it’s OK if during these times you do fuck all. That’s what I’m doing, too, when I’m not colour coding my knickers. You deserve a break, and a rest and if you want to sleep through the whole of this bloody pandemic then you should absolutely do so without even a fraction of guiltiness. Guess what? I fucking hate baking. I’m absolutely shite at it and while indeed it is very delicious, I can’t be shagged even looking at another banana bread.
Oh, and before I forget – we all want to throttle our partner sometimes. If you’re quarantined with a lover/boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse – it can be way more tricky than you think. I mean, how fucking hard is it to actually put the milk away after you’ve used it?! Sorry, where was I… No one expects you to be perfect and if ordering Dominoes and not speaking to each other for a couple of days is what you need, then I strongly suggest you do just that. My own BF has just gone back to work. Just as in yesterday, and he’s on 12 hour shifts. When he first told me, I was a bit gutted. Who else am I gonna bounce my witty one-liners off when they pop into my head while I’m cleaning the microwave? Who else can I nag to give me attention and stroke my goddamn hair? But as soon as he left, I felt so relieved. I felt like I had the whole house to myself for the first time in a decade and I could do whatever I wanted. Normally, I relish the days and evenings he’s at rugby. I watch shit reality TV, eat family-sized portions of pasta and clean without constantly having to ask him to move or help or for crying out loud, pick up his bloody socks. So I miss him, of course. We’ve gone from basically all to nothing – but the break is brilliant and I fully intend on utilising it as much as I can.
Enjoy this weekend, babes, and whatever it has in store for you. And hey, at least the sun is shining! Imagine how awful we’d feel if it had pissed it down for the last two months and everyone was even grumpier than they are now.