Instructor – 3rd March 2020

Last night, I had a sex dream about my gym instructor. He is really goddamn gorgeous and totally distracting and now I feel semi-awkward and a bit like a giggling schoolgirl at the thought of going to the gym. This morning, I caught myself carefully selecting sports bras based on how much cleavage they give me.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not actually going to jump his bones in the changing room. Although it is nice to think about. Much like watching porn, fantasizing about sex is completely normal and, providing you avoid hurting yourself or anyone else, should be encouraged. Y’all know monogamy isn’t natural, right? Right?! It’s not in our DNA as a human being to mate with only one being for life. I have no issue in announcing that I watch porn, fancy other people and think about them when I shag myself senseless. But am I actively going out and bedding them? No. Am I in a happy and committed to relationship to one man and one penis? Yes. It’s all about making it work for you.

Anyway, inappropriate work out thoughts aside and stupidly chosen gym outfits aside, I’ve had a fairly good week overall. Bar my Grandad’s funeral (which was actually the perfect, loveliest send-off) and the subsequent evening spent on my tod, eating ham and crying, it has been overwhelmingly positive. I had a great meeting at my 9-5(:30) desk job, a barrage of gorgeous RSVPs for my book launch and a couple of sneaky opportunities as a result. Oh, and on Saturday I got to go out and recreate my 18-year-old-self’s ideal Saturday night. We had a proper ‘girls night’ out on the tiles. We had a mass pre-drinks and getting ready sesh, and then drank and danced until our hearts were full and the lights came on. And then, obviously, retired home for an evening of snuggling and McDonalds snaffling. I had so much fake tan on I’ve since scrubbed twice a day for the past three days and I still look like a stale Wotsit. Well worth it though, for an evening of fun with my favourite ladies.

My book launch is ever looming. Six. Fucking. Days. Yes, I am hysterical with stress, nerves and excitement. No, I don’t have an outfit yet. SOS. On a (slightly) serious note, though, I can’t wait. It feels like a lifetime of work is finally going to pay off and YAY I can’t wait to reveal it all to you. If you do come across any gorgeously-glamorous jumpsuits, send me a link would ya? I don’t want anything too tight, it must be wide leg and preferably in cut in a way to best display ample cleavage. Oh, and I don’t want it to be black. Other than that I am super easy to shop for and not at all fussy.

I do imagine the remainder of this week to be spent somewhere in limbo between panic eating and barely sleeping, and the fact that I probably won’t get on here now until post-launch is daunting and absolutely bloody mad. But here we go. A roller coaster few days, I’m sure. Keep up to date with my Instagram as I’ll be posting daily snippets until the big day, and it’s not too late to decide to come and celebrate with me – just slide into my DMs and I can add you to the guest list. Happy life-changing Tuesday, babes.

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