It’s Tuesday and it’s raining and my whole body aches from the gym and I think I’m getting ill and ALL I want to do is crawl back into bed with a baked Camembert. And breathe.
It’s officially Autumn, and my very favourite season is the FALL of the patriarchy. Naturally, it will take some getting used to dark mornings and wearing tights again, but I cannot contain my excitement for cashmere jumpers and dauphinoise potatoes. I just can’t. Believe it or not, the average sex drive decreases as we slip into more winter-y weather. Crazy, right? Considering you’d think we would use any excuse to warm each other up. But it’s probably something to do with the running noses and seven layers of clothing excluding underwear that doesn’t scream sex appeal to us. Personally, I’d much rather get my shag on sheltering inside from the rain, watching Christmas movies and with my bed socks on. Considering how well I take to the heat (as in, not well at all) the idea of fucking mid-Summer and all of the sweating, chaffing and recovery time that goes with it, does not best please me. So I am full team seasonal sex. And my preferred season? This one.
One of my favourite ways to bring a little bit of excitement back into a sex life that’s as cold as your toes is sexting. Ask my (poor) mother and father, I’ve been a sexting expert since way before I should’ve been. With over a decade of experience, if you’re looking for advice on how to send that steamy snapchat, intimate I-message or wild whatsapp, I am your go-to girl. And if this doesn’t get your mate in the mood within 30 days, I’ll give you your money back. Joking. But if you do wanna pay me, please shout.
Because I am utterly selfish and no one is more sexually compatible with me than myself, my favourite kind of sexting is the kind where I talk about myself. Actually, my favourite kind of any conversation is the kind where I talk about myself. But that’s not the point. I like to tell the lucky recipient what I am thinking about, what I am doing to myself and how I am doing it. And, trust me, it works every time. Nothing will ever get their juices going quite like hearing about all of the new uses you’ve found for your electric toothbrush. Or hairbrush handle. Or dildo. Or fingers. Just make sure you’re being as sensually descriptive as you can be. Et voila! Boners (lady boners included) for everyone involved.
Think about what you’d like to receive in the form of a sext. Try and include as many of the senses as you can: what does it feel like/look like/sound like/taste like. Maybe even smell, if that’s your jam. Paint a picture. And start off slow! There’s no rule that you have to actually have to go into any graphic detail from the get go. Build up with short messages letting them know that you’re thinking of them, or that you’re horny. Work out a tone and style that works for you (should be fluid and come naturally, not jarring) and roll with it. And consider what is sexy, for both parties involved. For instance, I have been known to text my boyfriend messages like ‘I’m so fucking horny. Can we have hot dogs for dinner?’ and pictures of my badly waxed bikini line. Does it surprise you that he didn’t want to rip my clothes off that night?
As with all other aspects of sex, sexting is what you make of it. Don’t feel like there’s a certain mould or template to conform to, because there isn’t. Oh, and I always actively encourage a supporting photograph, should you feel comfortable enough. Anything to promote circulation…
Relax, have fun and respect each other’s boundaries. Here’s hoping for a very wet winter. And I’m not talking about the weather.