Me, to my boyfriend, most nights of our lives.
Three years ago, I wrote Sex and the Self Conscious Woman. At the time, it was basically me complaining about being chubby and struggling to adapt and accept my new body when I was around my new boyfriend. I went into detail about wearing t-shirts during sex to hide my stomach and made promises to myself and my readers that I would change and improve myself.
Obviously, 2015 me thought this meant losing some timber. 2018 me knows better. I’m bigger than I was then, but more confident than ever and I am more than happy to flaunt my jiggly bits like they ain’t know thang. Weight loss does not sit in direct correlation with happiness. I am so pleased to confirm that I got over my 2015 insecurities, and learned to love my body. And you know what really helped? My boyfriend, showing me that if he loved every inch of me, I should too. Instead of whinging about a little extra cellulite or one or two new stomach rolls, this post is about how NOT to feel self-conscious when turned down in the bedroom.
Desperate times, desperate measures…
It sounds pretty shocking to say that my boyfriend often declines my sexual advances. But, contrary to what may initially jump into your head, no, he is not gay and yes, he absolutely does find me attractive (he’s only human, you know). It’s probably more down to the fact that I have an insatiable sexual appetite, which can almost never be satisfied by human touch alone. If I had my way, I would get down and dirty all day every day. In the words of Blondie; any time, any place, anywhere.
My boyfriend does not have a low libido. That is not what is happening; although in comparison to mine, it can often look miniscule. But yes, he does turn me down sometimes. And, although I know it’s nearly always when he’s been training, up all night or has just eaten 3,400 calories worth of Domino’s, sometimes the sting is a little hard to bear. In this instance, I tend to overthink and wind myself up, desperately trying to evaluate why he doesn’t want to do it when it’s been a whole THREE DAYS SINCE HE LAST ENTERED ME. I toy with the idea of not being good enough for him, and often go to bed in a strop. However, once I’m there, I can lie back, think about how amazing I am, all the incredible sex we do have, and then roll over and make sure he knows I love him before we go to sleep.
Know your worth, in and out of the bedroom.
Even if, like me, you are annoyingly confident and often quite arrogant, rejection can be a right kick in the bollocks. It makes you feel like shit, right? But this isn’t on you. This isn’t because you’re not gorgeous or funny or smart or sexy. This isn’t your fault, and it isn’t your mistake to fix. Your worth is not measured by how sexually appealing your current mate finds you, hun. If you’ve got a boyfriend like mine, it’s easy to forgive after a few quiet words with myself and some serious self-assurance. But don’t be afraid of walking out on anyone who doesn’t value and appreciate you for all you are.
Also, on a side note, there is absolutely nada wrong with shrugging off their decline with the option of self love. I have found that there is very little in life that 30 minutes of alone time with your vibrator can’t help.
The moral of the story? Don’t take it personally. You can’t beat yourself up over someone’s apparent (or lack of) sex drive.