I get it – there’s nothing quite like spending your days bikini clad, lying in the sun with a cocktail and your nights in a sweaty tangle with a Greek waiter. Holiday romances are an exciting extra to add on to your trip and
ensure you really get your money’s worth of vacation time. With holiday season upon us and every second social media post boasting Ibiza’s sunsets and Croatia’s clear blue seas, make sure you follow these Do’s and Don’ts to make the most of your summer…
Have you seen the pictures of this guy on vacay? He knows what he’s talking about.
Relax. You’re on vacay, after all. Putting pressure on yourself to find someone is a mere waste of those holiday days you fought Becky in HR for. You’d spend a hot week with them and never see them again, anyway. If you want my advice? Buy a travel-sized vibrator and take it everywhere with you. You won’t have to awkwardly cuddle them afterwards in 34 degree heat and you can do it while you watch Gilmore Girls re-runs and stuff your face with Lays.
“Soooo… better go, before I miss my flight!”
Fall for him. Catch flights, not feelings. Obviously there needs to be a certain level of sexual attraction for you to roll into bed with him (unless you’ve had more than three margaritas, then you’re forgiven), but more likely than not, this is not the person you’ll end up with for the rest of your life.
“I’ve got 73 bikinis and a hairdryer… what else do I need to bring?”
Take care. As a single, sexually active being; you should probably carry birth control on your person most of the time anyway; make no exceptions for holidays. If you want memories and a souvenir, take cute selfies and invest in a fridge magnet. A nasty bout of chlamydia is the last thing you want to take back from your trip. If it’s your contraception of choice, don’t forget to take your pill and, it may sound obvious, but remember to re-take it if that questionable-smelling kebab rears it’s ugly head again. Also include on your packing list – Sudocrem/Canesten/any soothing cream that can be used on genitalia. Sex on the beach may be fun, but sand in your fanny is not.
Amy, on her way to tell you that 5 martinis before dinner is a GREAT idea
Take your gal pal’s advice after half a jug of margaritas. Actually, don’t take anyone’s advice after they have passed the legal driving limit. Trust me, they want you to do something stupid so you can laugh about it later. Make sure you only partake in activities and/or encounters that you can fully consent to. Skinny dipping with your half cut gal pals might seem OK, but walk away when they dare you to pose for an Insta pic with jellyfish on your tits.
The kind of aqua exercise class I can really get on board with
Whatever the fuck you want. Seriously. Take chances. Whilst your good friend Amy might tell you that your actions are either slutty or prude-ish, if you ain’t comfortable, don’t do it. And worry not about what anyone thinks of you. Because the chances of you seeing the other holidaymakers EVER again in your young life, is slim to none.
When he asks for your Instagram name
Feel pressured into staying in contact. Accept your fling for what it was. Do you really want to be bored with his constant Facebook updates about how his pool cleaning business is getting on? And it’s gunna get awkward when you inevitably have to block him on Snapchat after a string unsolicited dick pics. Don’t get me wrong, if you want to keep him on hand for future holiday resort discounts, or his Grandma’s puff pastry recipe, then power to you.
I’m referring to toying with too many tequilas, not bedding serial killers…
Look after yourself. And in more ways than claiming dousing yourself in tanning oil and eating three courses of carb for every meals is self love. Wherever you are, whoever you’re with and whatever you’re doing, you never know if people are baddies or goodies. Sounds lame, I know, but there’s every possibility that the hot lifeguard sending free cocktails to your sun lounger isn’t as innocent as he wants you to believe.
My overdraft hates me twice as much when I’m on holiday
Squander your pension on roof-top martinis and duty free shopping. You’re on vacay for a week, you haven’t won the lottery and gained a Kardashian salary during the two hour flight. I’ve had holiday romances who’ve asked me to buy them drinks. Hun, you work here, use your damn staff discount and make mine a double. Without sounding like your Nan, be wary or any foreign credit card charges. It’s tempting to overspend when you’re surrounding by glamazons in Chanel sunnies and you’ve been a solid level of tipsy for four days, but if you couldn’t afford to buy it in Blighty, keep your purse strings tight. No one needs £30 suncream.
Waving goodbye to the real world for a week…