I swear a lot. And I mean a lot. I come from a family of cursers, but even they don’t eff and blind quite like me. I find it an almost artistic form of expression and use it regularly when other words just won’t do the job – and that’s OK! Angry, sad, happy, excited, sooooo over Monday Mornings? Swear. Insults? Much better accompanied by a rude adjective. I am so often told to stop swearing, that it’s unpleasant and unladylike and unattractive. To which I only ever have one response – Fuck off.
2. Not have babies
It’s getting boring me constantly yelling at you all to do what you want, isn’t it? Well goddamn stop letting other people influence your decisions, and start making your own mind up about your own life! I find this conversation hard to bear. True, it’s no doubt that we were initially created with all the lady parts for one reason; to reproduce, but who says that we still have to live in a by-gone era? Sorry, 1950s, my husband makes his own dinner. Back to the point – it isn’t a necessity for every living female to mother children anymore. Independence is incredible, and should be something cherished. Not everyone is meant to have babies. Your life will be just as love-filled and enriched as your mom friends – but just with something else. I plan to have lots of cherub-like babies, but that doesn’t mean you have to. Women are complete human beings, not potential mothers. Motherhood is an option.
3. Poo at work.
Seriously, I was told the other day (by a male colleague) that women shouldn’t use the toilet for anything other than a number one. Please note – this isn’t specific to just work loos. Let’s crush that common saying that “women don’t poo”. Because, news flash, we do. Just as much as everyone else. And, while I’m here, we don’t have a precious pink rosebud in place of our arsehole, either. Ladies? Feel free to do your goddamn business anywhere you please (but do try and keep it within a bathroom, I’d hate for you to take my advice too literally and end up squatting in the street Bridesmaids style).
4. Talking openly about bodily functions
See above. There’s no shame in declining the offer of another drink, because you need to go home and take a shit. In fact, I actively encourage the talking of subjects which may be deemed ‘taboo’. My number one fave? Your period. I rattle on about mine all the time, in the hope that other women and the men around me notice that, woah, hey, this is actually totally normal and OK to discuss.
5. Sleep around
AKA – having an active and healthy relationship with sex. If you know me, you’ll know I am the Queen of the Hoes. I spent my single years totally throwing my cat around – and I loved every minute. To almost every single or newly single guy or gal pal I stumble across, I offer the most helpful advice that I can, which is just fucking shag them. Providing you aren’t hurting anyone (yourself included) physically or mentally, fucking do it. There is not one ounce of shame in spending your Saturday night’s propping up your local bar, on the hunt for someone to take you home. We women gots needs too, yo. Fuck on the first date – I dare you.
6. Grow out bodily hair.
I mean, we’re in the middle of the snowiest Spring in ages, so you probably need those extra leg pube inches for warmth, right? The removal of one’s bodily hair should be for no reason other than to please themselves. If you’ve got yourself a partner who pushes you to shave/veet/wax/pluck areas that you don’t want to – toss them out with any and all hair removal product. You don’t need that kind of negativity in your life. And life is seriously too short to not have the fanny hair you want. Seriously.
7. Eat whatever
My girlfriends used to avoid dinner dates like the plague so as not to have to eat in front of their suitor. Admittedly, I’m quite the opposite and have no issue inhaling half a Nando’s chicken in four minutes on a date. (Complete with fries and various other side dishes, obvs).
I’m gonna be pissed if I need to give another lecture here on diet culture and why it’s often actually healthier to be fat and happy. Your mental health is just as important as your physical health, and insecurities and constantly thinking you should look/be a certain way, is psychologically damaging. If you have to diet/cut food/alter what you want to eat and run 7 miles before breakfast to stay a certain size or weight, then that’s not the size or weight you should be. Aaaaand, exhale.
8. Get too drunk
Have we met?! No, seriously, I’m actually asking because often I’m SO drunk that have to I re-introduce myself to people because I just can’t remember meeting them for the first, second or even third time. I, for one, like the way I feel after 7 glasses of Prosecco, and I find it utterly hilarious to get absolutely wankered and laugh about the most stupid things with my favourite people. And I will be forever entertained by how much like Beyonce I think I am after a few sherberts and a spin on the dance floor. So, no. I will not apologise for drinking so much that I leave a shoe in the club bathroom, forget where I am and my boob pops out every 3 – 5 seconds.
9. Not smile
Don’t tell me to smile. OK, we good? Women do not owe you time, conversation or politeness. On the whole, we are only told to smile to appear more aesthetically pleasing. If we get technical – asking a woman to smile, essentially pressuring her into doing something she is not comfortable doing, is harassment. I love my resting bitch face. If I look like I don’t want to be approached, then chances are, I don’t.
P.S. I tend to smile when I’m enjoying myself. If it doesn’t happen around you, that’s just not my problem.
10. Literally anything she wants.
Listen, honey. The term ‘ladylike’ is bullshit and seriously gets on my swede. If you identify as a woman, then you’re a lady. Having immaculate manners and a chastity belt does not earn you the right to call yourself a woman. It’s refreshing to embrace being a living, breathing human being; and not the cardboard cut out they expect us to be. Wear the short skirt, kiss the handsome stranger, eat the goddamn burger. You do you, and make sure not to give a tiny rat’s ass about anyone else along the way.