It's Not Me, It's Definitely You: The Guide to Getting Over a Breakup.

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When your mascara cost £36…


Breaking up is the worst. You know, I know and whoever owns The Notebook’s royalties knows too.


It is 2017. We have medical cures, hangover cures and still nothing on what cures a broken heart. Whilst you should interpret each step for yourself, this is a general guide to getting over a breakup. 


“I’m fine…”


  • Grieving is key post breakup. It’s vital to remember here, that everyone grieves in their own way. Regardless of how you do it, mourning the sudden loss of someone you love is the key to a smooth get-over. There’s no shame in crying. Haven’t you seen me watch Grey’s Anatomy?! Or stroke a homeless dog? You are only human, as are the rest of us, and we know how painful this shit can be. So cry it out. Cry over a soppy film, cry over a bottle of wine with your girlfriends or, in keeping with my past behaviour, get rip-roaring drunk and cry into a kebab.


Whilst girl time is good; alone time is equally so. Telling people how you truly feel, or writing everything down will ensure a calmer headspace for when taking a step back.


  • Unsurprisingly, my first tip is to cut all contact. Imagine the strain of trying to forget someone whilst simultaneously watching their snapchat stories and having their every tweet sent to your phone. Communication is key, and in this instance, cut it. Delete his number, un-friend him on Facebook and snip him out of any old photographs where you look especially cute. Nothing will rub salt in your wounds quite like seeing your exes bar crawl selfies of him draped around strangers. Ctrl, Alt, Delete him from your life.


Boy, bye.


  • Do you really want to be his friend? I actually don’t care what your answer is to this question – DO NOT suggest it. This is the go-to, impulsive, ‘I’ve just had my heart broken’ line. Because you don’t want him to think you care, right? You want him to know that you’re super chilled, and are probably going to get a taco after this conversation and forget it ever happened, right? Before you can ever consider a ‘friendly’ relationship with someone you used to rub bacons with, you must ensure you’re fully over the not-so-platonic relationship you first started off with. Should he suggest that the two of you stay friends? Tell him you’ll think about it. (This works really well for your new totally chilled persona too).  

 You already have enough friends, you don’t need any more.


  • Getting drunk is cool; I’m fairly certain wine cures all heart-ache, but make sure when doing so, you’re surrounded by your nearest and dearest. Seriously, don’t drink heavily whilst alone. Ever. Call your galpals, that’s what they’re for – and they won’t mind your greasy hair and decades old Disney pyjamas. Most importantly? They’ll be there to stop you making foolish mistakes. Such as drunk-dialling, crying into one of his old sweatshirts and cycling to his house to key his car. Drunk dialling (definitely the worst of the three) is behaviour to be avoided at all costs. Should you at any point feel the need to contact your ex, immediately throw your phone into the hands of a friend. Or into a volcano. Or the sea.


“How can you mend a broken heart?” A martini, obvs.


  • Your wardrobe isn’t a shrine for past lovers – get rid of his shit. Holding on to anything other than his Beyoncé CD for your car is a mistake – you are only providing yourself with constant reminders that he was once there. There are millions of refugees that would look better in those clothes, anyway.


There’s nothing wrong with returning anything you still have the gift receipt for…


  • For some, a rebound is the ultimate tactic for ridding yourself of any and all love. Getting over someone by getting under someone else may work for you, but pleeeease try not to rush it. There’s absolutely nothing worse or more humiliating than crying whilst someone’s trying to bone you. Another tip? Don’t get too greedy with the rebounds. Sure, some may be Doctors and other dirty rockers and Arabic Princes, but trust me. Have one rebound? You’ve had them all. Post-rebound it’s probably wise to take a little time, sink back into your memory foam and remember who you are.


Always meet your rebound near open water, you know, just in case.


  • Let’s just all take a minute and think of the dick. Man or woman, the only thing couples miss about their single lives is all the sex with all the people. The advice I constantly give my single friends? Do it. Do it with whomever you want, wherever you want and whenever you want (providing you aren’t causing harm to yourself or others). I can sit back at night and know that I singled hard enough to be eternally happy with just one man now. And yeah, before you ask, I’ve had sex with a lot of people. And no, I don’t regret a single one. Once you’re in a healthier mind set and have stopped snivelling over every Katherine Heigl film, dress yourself up – and I mean the full works, whatever makes you feel amazing – go out, and flirt that fine ass off. You wanna jump into bed with the gorgeous guy who’s buying you cosmos? You can do it. You don’t have anyone to answer to, so feel free to jump his bones. And hey, if you don’t want to hop on the love stick of the first man you see? That’s ok too.


Women have needs. And those needs include rampant shagging.


  • The undoubtedly most exciting part of the break up? Setting yourself new goals. Whether they be Khloe Kardashian’s Revenge Body style or just signing up for a local Bikram yoga class – you go girl. Alas, this is the time to be selfish. Do what you want to do. Rent a Boris bike and cycle through the McDonald’s drivethru. Book a spontaneous trip to the Scottish Highlands. Grow your pubes out and have them dyed and dreadlocked. Whatever you want to do, you can. You are no longer part of a ‘duo’ and therefore can behave exactly as you like; the only criticisms you’ll get will probably come from your mother (nothing you haven’t heard before. What does she know about skull tattoos anyway?!). Clear concepts of where you’re going with your life and a positive outlook are key at this stage; losing your way will leave you questioning whether or not you’re really ‘fine’. They say it takes about a year to feel totally comfortable with your new, single self. That is 12 months, 52 weeks, 365 days of pure YOU time. Single life doesn’t sound so bad now, does it?


 He’s seriously missing out.



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