Alentine's Ay

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I don’t know how I feel about Valentine’s Day- it somewhat bemuses me. I feel totally indifferent towards it. I endured an hour long argument with my other half on Saturday night because he wouldn’t order me a kebab, so we’re not exactly a traditionally romantic couple. Being brutally honest, my idea of the perfect date is being motted out while stuffing my face with mac n cheese balls and watching the entire Girls box set.


February 14th will mark my second V Day in 23 years not spent alone, drowning in copious amounts of wine and fanning myself with the one card I receive annually- the benefactor? My father.

I’m not really one for dating- my wheelie bin goes out more than I do. I’m more a ‘stay at home with Netflix and gin’ kind of dater. As a result, the thought of a romantic dinner, flowers and a bucket load of shagging fills me with nothing but delight. Still, I can’t help but reminisce over my previous Valentine’s celebrations. Working yourself up over not having a date for this greeting card holiday is pointless. Almost as pointless as actively recruiting a partner purely for such an occasion. Trust me, this almost never works out and all too often leaves you in a sticky situation- stuck between a cock and a hard place.


Alentines Ay is Valentine’s Day for those who won’t be getting the V or the D. For my readers in such a position- fear not. February 14th is riddled with romantic clichés. Relationships are what you make them, so who’s to say that this V Day can’t mark a celebration of any relationship? Not necessarily just a romantic one. Two years back, I celebrated Galentine’s Day- a whirlwind 24 hours of laughter, vodka, noodle bar and dancing into the small hours. Obviously, I’m skimming over the part where I slipped, fell and ruined my white bandage skirt and backhanded my friend in the face because I didn’t approve of her dancefloor conquest, but despite what went down, the memories of my perfect V Day live on. Let this year’s celebration act as a reason to reunite with the important figures in your life.


This Single 2017, try and avoid romantic hotspots for your celebrations and, similarly, try and sidestep boyfriend bonfires and playing Miss Havisham- Valentine’s Day is no excuse to wallow in self-pity and prise open the ex-files. Celebrate love in all of its glory. The love you have for your family, friends and most importantly yourself. Treat yourself. Following so soon post-crimbo, the big V is a welcome occasion to catch up on some well-deserved pampering. Book yourself a pedicure to show off in the peep toes you’ve treated yourself to. Often my favourite gifts are labelled ‘To Me, From Me’. Spend the day exfoliating every inch if you are so inclined, either in preparation for your big night out or cosy night in and should you truly be invested in anti-Valentine’s, take inspo from Jessica Biel in the namesake movie and throw you and your single gal (or guy) pals a party.


Celebrating self-love evokes the opportunity to properly show yourself some attention. By yourself I mean your crotch and by attention I mean furious masturbation. What better an excuse! After you’ve been suitably self-satisfied, you can begin sharing the love. Not necessarily necking on with your BFF after an abundance of tequila (which, coincidentally, is always an appropriate option), but by making sure your loved ones know just how loved they are. From then you’re free to don your dancing shoes and forget about ‘loving’ your toes as you twerk your way into February 15th.  


Make it your day.


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