Can you Sustain a Healthy Relationship Without Sex?

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Sex is one of those things, interpreted completely differently among individuals and different cultures.


For me, sex couldn’t be more important. Aside from the fact that writing about it is my job, my sex drive is unnaturally high. So it’s more than likely that I am the exception to this particular rule. Not that there is a ‘rule’ mind. I strongly believe that each individual person is different and their bodies are just that – different. Whilst some (mentioning no names…) find themselves persistently nagging their boyfriends for some mattress mambo action HOURLY, some only fancy a dicking once a month.


My loving chap and I probably get down and dirty twice a week – three times if I’m really lucky. And whilst this is more than the national average, I often can’t help but want more. It’s probably not completely accurate to compare our current sex life with that we had at the beginning of our relationship. The ‘honeymoon period’ typically lasts for the first three to six months of a relationship. This aptly named phase stems from those sacred, initial feelings of lust, passion and even love. So, essentially, when you’ve fancied someone for ages and finally get to have your wicked way with them on the reg feels pretty amazing. As a couple, we followed suit. ‘Sore dick Sundays’ became a regular occurrence, with our record number of shags skyrocketing to twelve in twelve hours. Ah, the good old days.


In truth, I think our relationship is significantly stronger when our sex life is frequent. I’m not referring to the verging on un-natural dozen-a-day shagathons, but to at least twice a week. For me, it’s important to feel involved with someone and that happens a lot through physical intimacy; the Spice Girls were definitely on to something with ‘2 Become 1’. That is how sex in a relationship should make you feel; connected. My boyfriend doesn’t believe me when I tell him vaginal sex, for me, is the most intimate. Of course, he argues his point after trying to slip it into my arsehole for the third time that morning.


To me, the stereotypical, slightly misogynistic view that men constantly think with their dick and are almost always looking to get it wet is slightly askew. I’m horny a lot more frequently than my boyfriend is, and I know many of my galpals feel the same. Sure, in some relationships sex drive is male dominated, but it would be impossible (and basically, fucking stupid) to categorize libido by gender.


Alongside my sausage-loving friends, I also associate with those saving themselves for the big day. For many religions and cultures, it is seen as impure to give away your ‘flower’ to anyone other than your husband on the night of your wedding. So many people turn their nose up at the idea – but can you really even miss something you never had? Granted, this might not be the best example, but those who have been a vegetarian since birth don’t often miss the taste of meat? In truth, I admire the dedication of ‘withholding’. Self-control is a gift – take it from someone who spends their Friday nights outside the kebab van; MyFitnessPal in one hand, large chicken wrap in the other, weeping at their daily calorie intake.


But that speaks volumes alone. So many cultures bearing the view that sex is SO sacred in a relationship that it should be worked for and cherished surely supports the argument that it is the ultimate goal – to intermingle not only mind, but also body. For two people in love, having sex adds a new and incredible depth to their coupling. Perhaps that’s why it’s referred to as ‘making love’.


Getting busy statistically contributes to a happier individual through the release of endorphins, making your relationship inevitably stronger, and funds a more connected partnership. Perhaps more so than anything else, sharing something so natural and raw with your other half makes you feel cherished and happy. Note that these particular results apply solely to couples who sustain a physical bond and not with those choosing to abstain. Nonetheless, with an insatiable emotional bond, there is no real reason you couldn’t continue a happy, loving relationship with the absence of a sex life. Some may be able to get on board with the idea, while some (namely me) would sit back, horrified at the thought. Essentially, every couple has an entirely individual relationship – hence why I disagree with comparing yours to anyone else’s. Reiterating, one couple might be more than happy to butter the biscuit but once a year, whilst another would prefer a daily performance. Regardless, it is your decision to make concerning what works for you. Sex is not the be-all and end-all, after all.


I’m sure this goes without saying, but any verdict regarding your relationship should be made with a meeting of the minds. It’s not a decision to be taken lightly or made alone – your other half might just have something to say if you swear yourself off intercourse for eleven months of the year without so much of an explanation. Honesty is always the best policy and in any relationship, communication is key.


Saying this, sex shouldn’t be something you have to pre-plan. I’m yet to see a happy couple who maintain a scheduled sex life. Can you imagine tallying up intercourse on a spreadsheet taped to the back of your kitchen door? “Well done, darling – 45 seconds longer than last week! Gold star for you!”



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