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Tell me, what springs to mind when you hear the words ‘female ejaculation’? For me, it’s the brutally clear mental image of a platinum blonde porn star, with fake double F tits, squatting over a hugely well endowed man, furiously rubbing herself until she leaks her love juice all over her mate’s chest. Thus, however, is a fond but distant memory. As you may or may not have heard, at the end of last year a long list of sexual acts were banned from British porn- female ejaculation being one of them. Squirting, however, remains the third most search category in Australia- Aussie rules!

I’ll be damned if the majority of you even know what female ejaculation- or vajaculation- is. I sure as hell don’t. I remember being 16 or 17, and being asked if I could squirt by one of the putrid pubescent teen boys who I was texting at the time. I knew I couldn’t but that didn’t stop me from spending hours of my summer holiday locked in the bathroom drinking pints and pints of water and trying to ‘completely relax’ as I came multiple times. Still, nada. Reportedly, there are two types of ejaculating if you’re a woman. You either release a small amount of white-ish fluid on climax or a much larger amount of liquid, making it look like they’ve wet the bed–or, perhaps you’re not a squirting Sally at all and prefer to keep things clean and tidy. Whilst we’re on the subject of wetting the bed, though, it’s time to put the rumours at rest. Both types of female ejaculate, as described above, originate from the bladder and female prostate, before being expelled through the love cave. So essentially, you just wee’d all over someone.

After the long and tiresome years spent searching through the hundreds of thousands of suitors (if only) for he who could make me squirt (I’m a firm believer in ‘there’s no such thing as can’t’ and there’s probably a man out there for every woman just waiting to make her cream) I finally struck gold. Never in my 21 years of life have a seen a penis with a more perfect shape. It was just over average in length- probably 7 inches (refer to, and had a nice girth to it. The winning asset, however, was the perfect curvature to the shaft. The same curvature which made it possible for him to slide on in and reduce me to a quivering, heavy breathing mess in a matter of seconds. Said man also claims that out of all the female’s he’s been with (I’m assuming a fair few given he’s 6’6 and drop dead gorgeous), he’s made more ejaculate than not. A pretty impressive stat, don’t you think? Now, for those of you who haven’t yet found the man to make them gush in such a way- get out there right now and find him. Either that or invest in one of the fabulous g-spot vibrators that Ann Summers pride themselves in. The only way I can describe the feeling of is as a slightly sloshy, very intense explosion of pure filthy yet angelic pleasure. I then took a good 5-10 minutes post-cum to recover.

Reportedly, some men can be repulsed by the thought of vajaculation, as they aren’t too keen on being pissed on. Most men that I’ve met, however, find it incredibly arousing to be able to sexually satisfy a woman in such a way- and there’s never any chat about golden showers. I’ve also read that lesbian couples are more likely to make each other squirt than a heterosexual couple as a result of the mutual respect and comfort around each other. Also, maybe it’s a little easier to find the G-Spot with a finger rather than bashing around at it with a meat log. Just a thought.

Way back when in 4th Century China, liquids excreted during orgasm were believed to be permeated with mystical and healing properties- and still to this day people are questioning the existence of the marvel that is the G Spot?! (For crying out loud- one to two inches into the vagina on the front wall, the little bumpy area? Bingo). I, personally, find that being on top is a sure fire way to make myself cum, and the only position to ever make me squirt. I also have incredible kegels which I have been working on since I was about 15. These help! Try squeezing as if you’re holding in a wee for as long as you can, then letting go and repeating. I usually do them at my desk and repeat as many times as possible, you know, before I have to go into a meeting or something. Once you’ve squeezed that pelvic floor into oblivion, you are ready for step one. Initiating sexual contact with the other half. I find that the morning is a perfect time to commence. Whilst you are both still half asleep, pull him into a spooning position and very carefully push your bottom out so it is pressed against his (hopefully erect) penis. From there, I tend to feign uncomfort and wiggle around ‘trying to get comfortable again’ when I’m actually just gyrating my hips and arse onto his twitching package. Arch your back and let out a soft ‘I’m really tired but still oh so sexy’ moan, before rolling out of the spoon position and onto your back so he’s on his side facing you. I then like to slightly pout my lips and gently caress one of my nipples whilst I pretend to look into the distance- try and find a spider or something in the corner of the room to distract you whilst you play with your breast and drive your friend wild. After a few seconds of looking away, slowly turn your head back and give him your best smouldering eye- being careful not to move the rest of the face. Now, your partner should be nice and horny, and in no time at all will be kissing your neck and rubbing your knickers.

So! He’s (or she) is turned on, you’re getting moister by the minute and the time to soak him in God’s juices is nigh. Try a couple of different positions to scope out what feels best. As mentioned, try a little cowgirl action (but if the rodeo ain’t right, hop off the bull), or perhaps one of the many variations of missionary like holding your legs open by your head and resting your ankles on his shoulders, or lying on your bed with him on his knees and having him lift your hips up to meet him. The latter of these positions though is not easy if you’ve sporting anything over a d-cup. It’s pretty suffocating. Once you’ve worked out what works for you- take it steady. Start off slow. Have him reach down/around and stimulate your clit while you lose yourself in pleasure. Once you feel like you’re close to orgasm, make sure you are completely relaxed. Clench your kegels and get down to business. Should you feel like you’re about to pee all over him, just go with it. Make sure you remained completely unperturbed and turned on. From then, build up until you’re breathing quickens and your moaning gets louder. I prefer being on top so I am completely in control of this step, and can speed up/slow down in response to whatever my body wants. As long as you remember that sometimes an orgasm takes a little time, you’re essentially there from this point. The final step is to keep listening to your body and welcome the climax as it pours over you in waves of pleasure.

Ahhhhhhhhh bliss.

Go home and practise immediately- you are all so worthy of the big ‘O’.

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