Steak and Blowjob Day – Your Guide to Perfecting Oral Sex

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I like my steak rare and my blowjobs as short and inconsistent as possible. Happy Steak and Blowjob Day! I don’t know if you’re able to tell, but I’m not the fondest of sucking dick. Don’t get me wrong, I often partake- but usually only on special occasions, as a ‘thank you’ gesture or when engaging in a 69. Steak, however, I would be happy to wrap my mouth around daily. Anyway, my boyfriend has seemingly disappeared to go and play rugby somewhere near Russia- a near miss if I say so myself! This year’s S&BJ Day will be spent (not unlike the previous few) treating myself to sirloin, a musical marathon and some well-earned BOB action. Despite how the prospect of tonight excites me, it is more than likely that I will be hosting this macho-celebration next Monday regardless- essentially only to ensure I get my fair share when Chicken & Lickin’ day comes around (the 14th of next month).

 

Alas, in spirit of both festivities, find below a step-by-step guide to the playing the skin flute. And with only 30 days to go, I have also compiled my top tips to perfect cracking cunnilingus. You can thank me for taking gender equality for new levels after you’ve practised on each other!

 

If you don’t want to give head, don’t do it- and that is the golden rule. Also, you can’t suck or lick your way to love so it’s probably not worth the hassle and the jaw-ache finding out. This applies to both sexes- but don’t refuse to give and then expect to take, that’s never ok.

 

If you’re good and ready and are consensually about to sample the sausage, take control. While they’ll seldom admit it, one of the most enjoyable aspects of a BJ is you taking charge of his pleasure. A woman, on the other hand, isn’t going to want you to dive head first into her love nest with no prior warning.

 

Then make sure to use the art of seduction to the very best of your ability. Tease your man friend by slowly moving your mouth (kissing, licking, biting- whatever works for you both) around his genital area- but specifically avoiding his love stick. Ditto if you’re going down on your lady friend- leave her wanting more by lightly biting and kissing her inner thighs and lower abdomen.

 

The lucky recipient should now be putty in your hands. Keep constant eye contact, move towards your suitor’s member with your hands and lightly stroke the shaft. Consider lube from here on out- it makes every motion that bit smoother and if you’ve got a penchant for a taste other than cock, flavoured options are widely available. After arriving at a female’s pleasure palace; try not to pay too much attention too quickly to her most inner intimate area, and instead lightly use your mouth around the outer labia and surrounding areas.

 

Begin the mouth-to-dick combat by lightly licking up the underside of your chap’s wanger. Again, maintain eye contact, and repeat (slowly) as many times as necessary. Hopefully, most men know where to locate the clitoris. However, from past (and poor) experiences, I know full well that some remain completely clueless. If you don’t currently know the exact location of your girl’s love button, then perhaps you should be reading another guide- anatomy, perhaps? The clitoris is the focal point of the vagina, and should be worshipped for all its god-like powers. Use your tongue to trace circles around her bean, sit back (but not literally, you’ve got a job to do) and listen to the reaction.

 

If you haven’t already caught on, slow and steady always wins the fellatio race. He’ll want to savour every moment of your attention- and you’ll love watching him squirm. Nothing about a blowjob should be fast, but be sure to increase and decrease speed and motion throughout so as to gage what he is enjoying most. While pleasing a woman is less about speed, your focus should always be on the pressure of your tongue. Imagine you are using a feather instead of your tongue and pleeeease try and avoid any such action that might give her the impression that you are attempting to dig your way to China.

 

Encourage your partner to be vocal. If he/she particularly likes something, they should tell you (so you can alter your focus to satisfy their needs) and similarly if there’s something they isn’t so keen on. Conversation is valuable to accurately pleasing your lover, but try and avoid encouraging them to talk about anything other than the subject in hand (literally). Neither of you are going to get off if your partner is whining about how annoying Phil in accounts is or reminding you to buy more spaghetti hoops on your lunch break tomorrow.

 

Take an inch of your man’s manhood at a time- there’s no point playing the porn star. It’s totally normal not to be able to deep-throat until he’s balls deep- but a top tip for simulating it to use a combination of your mouth and hands. Make sure you maintain a tight-ish grip at the base of the shaft and then use your mouth  to move the length of the penis to meet your hand- moving your hand up to meet your mouth if need be. Fortunately, a woman will often have less ridiculous pornographic expectations. Once you have paid close attention to her heaven’s doorbell, you may take the plunge (again, literally) and insert a cautious finger (definitely one before two- let’s not get ahead of ourselves) and caress the g-spot.

 

Explore your options. There are just loads of nerve endings all over the penis, so it makes for a fun game to try and find them all. Thankfully, this also allows for a short break as the awkward angles you’re contouring your face and neck into can often cause jaw-ache. As long as you’re enthusiastic and he can tell just how wonderfully enthusiastic you are about sucking him off. Seriously, though, this will definitely turn him on. With over 6,000 nerve endings on the clitoris alone, you can now alter your technique to suit her needs. She may well be close to gasm, or may need a little more coaxing- so feel around for what you think she might like. Moving your tongue from side to side often serves as a welcome break from anything that might be getting tedious and will almost certainly keep her on her toes. As a final move, use your tongue in large up-and-down motions, covering the majority of her foof. This is your last (and best) attempt to cover all pleasurable areas and hope for a climax.

 

Ask him where he’d like to finish, and don’t just let him assume it’s ok to deposit straight into your mouth.  If you’re ok with it, then by all means swallow away (it’s reportedly packed with protein as well) but if not, make sure he is aware and offer him another bodily surface, tissue or even old sock to compensate. Women don’t often orgasm from a one-to-one with the bearded clam every time, so don’t be put out if she’s asked you to stop without creaming. After sex, don’t feel stereotypically obliged to snuggle up to your partner. Ask her what she wants, and if she wants to spoon, spoon. If she doesn’t, fuck off and leave her be.

 

 

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