Now I’ve almost just about nearly tied myself a nice man down, I figured it’s probably time I give you all some insight on how to do the same, right? Just follow my super simple 10 steps to finding the love of your life.
1. Set your expectations and figure out your standards. I, personally, only date men who have or currently play rugby professionally (premiership preferred, international is a bonus), have an Adonis- style physique, a huge shlong and a hefty pay cheque. If he doesn’t have chunky legs, broad shoulders, long eyelashes and good teeth, I simply won’t give him the time of day. I will settle for nothing less than a rugby playing Chris Hemsworth who is over 6’2 and fucks like a rabbit, duh.
2. Stalk him. It doesn’t matter how you find him. Even if it takes you days of searching through your friend’s sister’s ex-flatmate’s cousin’s vet’s Facebook page, once you’ve narrowed down on your prey, make sure you know his exact name on Twitter, Instagram, Facebook and/or LinkedIn so you can keep updated on his day to day life and learn everything about him. Vital information to make note of includes: his favourite food, previous holiday destinations, full names and statistics of former girlfriends (for example, Jane Doe from Liverpool, DOB 05/07/1993, 63kg, dress size 8-10 bra size 32C) and name and profession of at least 11 close friends.
3. Make sure he notices you. Perhaps continuously ‘poke’ him on Facebook until he either sparks up a conversation or blocks you. Should he block you, then it’s completely his loss and he obviously wasn’t ‘the one’ and didn’t deserve you. On the other hand, the conversation is likely to start with a complaint. ‘Who the fuck are you?’ is a personal frequent, but that just means he likes you. Treat ‘em mean and keep ‘em keen, yeah? Make sure your response is sultry and flirty, so he knows you’re a sassy bitch with an air of confidence. I’d go with ‘the woman of your dreams’ as a response, or thereabouts.
4. Should you be lucky enough to earn a reply from said chosen man and have dropped him your digits to go steady via Whatsapp, make sure you constantly bombard him with cute messages. Let him know how cute he looks, how lucky you are to have found him and how you’re ‘totes gonna be togeva 4eva’. Innit. Trust me, men LOVE it when you persistently call and text them. They play the fun game of not texting back only to test how much you love them, so be sure NEVER to give up! Update him every 15-45 minutes with pictures of what you’re doing.
5. Miraculously, he’s agreed to more than one date with you and you’ve started ‘seeing’ each other. The following information is vital. Read. Very. Carefully. Sneak into his house at least once a week and cook and clean. Men love a housewife, and you’re giving him a taste of what’s to come in your happily wedded future. Take some time to watch him sleep, and if you remember, take pictures as they last longer. I find the best day to “break in” to his home is a Sunday evening, so you can lovingly hand prepare him a packed lunch and microwavable dinner for every night the following week. Remember to include veggies, we want him big and strong for babymakin’! As Sunday is the day of rest, creep into his bed whilst he is asleep, remove all clothing and lay some lip. He will definitely be grateful for this- who doesn’t like a blowjob on the Sabbath day?!
6. Make sure everyone knows you’re a couple, and constantly brag about your undying love and happiness at every given opportunity. Make ‘his and hers’ t-shirts for you to wear around when you’re together (and when you’re alone), and make sure he has a bumper sticker on his car declaring that he’s your property. As Social Media holds most of the responsibility for your relationship, ensure whenever you log in you post a status, write on his wall, tweet or tag him letting not only your friends, but the whole world wide web know that he is YOUR man, and no other hoes can touch him. LOL JK, he’d never cheat on you anyway because you truly are a dream.
7. Give up your life. Stop seeing your friends and make sure your whole world revolves around him. Wait for him to get home each night. Dress in something slutty, but change it up. No one wants to do the nasty with naughty nurse two nights on the trot. Play around with your role play. When acting as PC Pleasure, leave the handcuffs on him for just a little bit too long. Make sure you always have a cold beer on hand as well, as he may need refreshments after you’ve rocked his world. Massage him with various aphrodisiac oils on the reg- being a man can be a little stressful, but with an easy, breezy delightful woman like you in his life and a very happy ending (both to the massage and your relationship), all his troubles will soon disappear.
8. Break things so he can fix them. Men love fixing things. Take a hammer to his X-Box but make sure he knows it was an accident. Gaming consoles fall out of the window all the time. If he gets angry, cry. On the subject of games, make sure you play them. Make him jealous by sending topless selfies to his best mate. Then he’ll understand how much other men want you and will fight to keep you forever. Remember, the letters in ‘psychopath’ also spell ‘happy’. Want him to fall for you hard? Push him over. Then pick him up and nurse him better, obvs. In suspenders.
9. Let him do what we wants, within reason. Talking to anyone else with a vagina? Like, ohhhmygod REALLY?! Absolutely not- including female family members. No one needs an interfering mother-in-law.
Anal sex on a Tuesday night? Go for your life.
10. Ignore steps 1-9. I mean, really, if you’ve read this far and taken me seriously you need to seriously re-consider your life. Stop reading these ridiculous articles found in almost every glossy/girly mag and find someone who makes you laugh until your sides hurt and moulds you into the best possible version of yourself. At this moment in time it may seem like the hardest thing in the world to find someone to accept you for who you are, flaws and all, but trust me- he’s not far away. While I may be guilty of a few of the above in my past (unconscious blowjobbing not included), I have given up trying to follow any sort of rules and guidelines to finding love, and have stopped putting so much pressure on myself to conform and be 2015’s Little Miss Girlfriend.
I’m pretty fucking lazy. My eyes are waaaaaay bigger than my belly. I almost never shave anywhere other than my armpits. I frequently wear a waist cincher to make me look more Kardashian-like. I have a wine belly that just won’t quit. I don’t always want to be shagged senseless and I snore and talk a LOT in my sleep. Soz not soz. Rather than covering up my imperfections, I’m open to finding someone who’ll accept them. Glamour magazine have been ripped apart by the media this week after their article providing tips on how to make a man fall in love with you. Because what kind of role model is that providing their young female audience? That you won’t get a boyfriend unless you cook, clean and be at his beck and call? Bollocks.