1. Your friends are the most important people in your life. They are the family we choose ourselves, and they’ve got a pretty good chance of outliving your spouse. I am (boring you with the same story) so eternally grateful for my friends. I have grown up going to various different schools and have had various different friendship groups. Funnily enough, like men, friends don’t always stick around. You learn who your true friends are by realising who’s there for you, and who isn’t and you learn to let them go. As well as a handful of childhood friends who I will keep clutched to me forever. I can now, officially say that The Ravens, as well as being my saving grace, are my homies for life. Particularly because I’m unsure if I’ll ever find another gaggle of women willing to put up with my constant nudity/ crude jokes/ passion for kebab meat. Hand on heart; if I hadn’t fallen into my current friendship group then my life would be unimaginably different.
2. Everyone makes a fashion faux pas. Seriously, mine include turquoise satin kitten heels with beaded embellishment, the tiniest cashmere scarf Brora have ever made, tied so tightly that my face would often turn a fetching shade of blue and the most bizarre piece of vintage material tied around my forehead (those of you who’ve seen my driver’s license picture will know). Oh, and I wore culottes, a sweater vest and what a friend so charmingly described as ‘Jewish War-Child Shoes’ to school for a reasonably long time. So, we can’t all have Kim Kardashian’s flawless stylist. Own your fashion mistakes- I’m fairly certain that Britney and Justin wouldn’t be as big as they are without that ‘double denim’ VMA’s ensemble.
3. Just fucking laugh it off. Embarrassing things happen to everyone, like, all of the time. Just last month, my youngest brother thought it’d be hilarious to pull my bikini bottoms down in front of a whole beach, exposing my fluffy shame basket to most of Portugal. Whilst, at the time I thought it appropriate to drown him, I can now laugh about it. (And pray that I never see anyone from Portugal again). I was a very sad person for a very long time, so I know the advantages of laughing your ass off. As well as having a shit tonne of health benefits! (Do you think this glow game from a bottle?! No no, this is from many hungover Sundays with my fabulous friends, laughing until we can no longer breathe).
4. Sleeping around isn’t that bad- but it’s not all it’s cracked up to be either. Samantha Jones may be living the high life shagging her way around the big apple, but doing the same in Thame doesn’t quite have the same ‘happy ending’. Rather than the social life and infamous popularity Samantha earns, you’ll most likely end up with a bad reputation that’s hard to shake. And chlamydia. I still continue to bone whomever I choose- sometimes the only solution to a problem is a large cocktail; hold the tail- and I actively encourage you to do the same, but know to be careful. And do always remember to wrap up on all conceivable occasions (get it). Genital warts ain’t pretty.
5. There is just no point conforming. Be individual, it’s a lot more fun. If you wanna wear navy and black together and mix prints and patterns, then you go for it! Wear your hair in crazy little buns all over your head- very alien chic. WHO CARES? I don’t think people actually read Vogue, I personally think they just pay a fiver to look at the pretty pictures. Fashion is what you make of it. Everyone else is already taken, so you may as well be yourself.
6. It is impossible to fit other people’s standards. For example- many of my friend’s totally fangirl over Michelle Keegan. But she’s way to skinny for my taste. I’m all about the curves. See- you’ll never be everyone’s cup of tea, so stop trying to be. Even if you transform your normal self into a tiny size 6 with DD boobies- someone’s always going to prefer chunky women and flatter chests. And if you put on weight? Someone will still fancy thinner girls. Society constantly sets us impossible standards, normally, in the form of a Kardashian/Jenner… But, honestly, not everyone can work the bubble butt hourglass look, and nearly no one can pull of Kylie’s trout pout. You were blessed with your features and assets for a reason, why go out of your way to change it? Someone is out there, walking around looking for YOU. The individual with all the characteristics that only you have. Give up trying to please everyone and they will make their way to you.
7. Be kind. Smile at strangers. Everyone has shit going on, just not everyone shows it. Your smile could make someone’s day- who knows! Be nice to old people (otherwise they’ll think ALL youth are thugs). Remember your manners. Apologise when you make a mistake, and sometimes when you haven’t. Say please when you ask for something and thank you when you receive something.
8. Mama probably does know best after all. Damn. She’s made the mistakes you’ve made, and she’s been in your shitty positions. But she then went on to live for another fair few decades, and move on with her life. So you may as well listen to what she’s got to say to you- even if you don’t like it and you pretend you’ve got your headphones in and can’t hear. She has your best interests at heart. Despite how fucking naggy and annoying she may be. My mother is a saint for putting up with the shit I’ve dragged her through over the last 5 years. Good on ya, Ma! Also, tell her you love her once in a while. It won’t hurt, and she’ll like hearing it.
9. Hater’s gon’ hate. But really though. Take it from this ‘fat slut’, people will always try and bring you down and boost themselves up by doing so. Don’t give them the satisfaction. Through my last few years in school, I was constantly bitched about and slated all over Twitter (classy, right!?), and the only reason I survived that with all my sass intact is because I refused to let it bother me. Understandably, it’s horrible and hard and awful having people call you names and pick out the things about you which you don’t like, but essentially it all stems down to jealousy anyway- cuz’ dayyyum gurl, you are flawless! Werk it.
10. Wasting your time doing something you don’t want to do is as pointless as the work you will produce. Don’t stick at a job which makes you miserable- I did, and I wound up the most miserable and bitter singleton in central London. I should never have stayed in school for as long as I did- it was pointless me being there for the 2 hours a week that I could roll myself out of bed for to get shitty A Level results. Discover your talents and find your passion. If I hadn’t sworn myself off men and documented every last detail, you wouldn’t be sat here reading this blog.
11. Rice cakes suck. And so does celery. Try to avoid having one at almost every meal (guilty), but just eat a burger! Have whatever you want. Don’t go to Pizza Express and dine out on a bloody side salad. I mean, come on. Sometimes you just need to let your inner-piggy out and let him take you for a ride.
12. Cellulite has been the bane of my life since I was probably 6 months old. I’m just one dimply motherfucker! Honey, you can’t have a juicy ass like this without a little wobble. Fuck the coffee granule scrub and own those bumps. Also, stretch marks and scars? Totally normal- regardless of what fuckboys and bitchy girls may tell you. When I first tried my (very tight and very white) birthday dress on I looked like someone had tried to squeeze couscous into a condom- and hey, I’m still going to work it!
13. I know it’s something I constantly whinge about, but it’s not the end of the world if you don’t have a boyfriend or a girlfriend. Really. Other than sex on tap (which most of you can get anyway, with or without dating someone at the same time), they are a bit of a hassle, and not everyone is meant to be in a pair for their whole life. There will come a time when you grow bored of frantically scouring nightclubs and broadening your search requirements on Tinder and someone special will come along and surprise you. Just like that. So stop putting so much pressure on yourself- being single is fabulous! You can do what you like, eat what you like, wear what you like and go for as many free dinners- sorry, I mean dates… -as possible. People are in your life for a reason or a season, and having your heart broken is just another one of those curveballs life throws at you. Hit that fucker right out of the park, climb over that little hurdle and carry on.
14. I will never regret trying it in the butt. It’s fun to be adventurous. There’s not a lot to lose, and you’ll probably thank me. Just make sure, if you’re going to try, you refer here (http://the-man-ban.tumblr.com/post/115848202087/anal-wednesday-8th-april-2015) first.
15. Work for yourself. You don’t want to make it and have someone else to thank for your success. You’ll wanna be the one who made it to the top on their own, trust me- it’s a lot more satisfying. Y’all remember my post about successful women not too long ago? Don’t let anyone stand in the way of chasing your dream. As much as it sounds like a cheesy and clichéd chavvy tattoo, it’s so very true. Also on the topic of work, while it is super fun and grown up to earn and spend your money- try your hardest not to blow £1,500 within 10 days of being paid. Like, for real, how many pairs of pointy bloody court shoes and drinks for people did I need to buy?! I tend to mistake myself for Donald Trump the first week after pay day- “Jaegerbombs for everyone!”.
16. It is soooooooooo pointless and soul destroying hanging on to anger and holding grudges. Let it go! Let it go! You’ll be much happier as a person if you do. Take it right from the horse’s mouth! The horse being me, who has a temper quicker than Usain Bolt and has held on to certain issues for far too long. Keen to avoid stress headaches, knots in your back that take days to massage out and awkward confrontations in the James Figg? Forgive and forget.
17. It’s SO much fun dating a professional rugby player. Obviously until they fuck you over and leave you crying into a garlic baguette watching The Bridges of Madison County, but seriously, before that it’s all chunky legs, great sex, the thrill of telling people about your almost-famous new beau and watching people stare when you’re out in public together. As hurt as I’ve been following my string of brief relationships with various Premiership and International stars, I wouldn’t change any of my experiences for anything. They are so mean, but so damn hot. And hey, I got a fair few free tickets from a few measly (but very professionally executed) blow jobs. Who’s the real winner here?
18. It’s ok to be selfish sometimes, but it’s equally as important to give back. Distributing your phone number like it’s going out of fashion for a few free double G&T’s is an acceptable way to spend your Friday nights. Give them the eyes, flick your hair a bit and flash them a smile and they’ll be putty in your hands. And then sleep off your hangover, wake up and do something meaningful. Donate to charity or volunteer for a needy cause. Carry out a deed which benefits those who are less fortunate than you- you’re a whole lot luckier than you realise.
19. Soppy, I know, but it’s ok to be sad. I’m a massively emotional person, and a big crier. I once cried because McDonald’s wouldn’t serve me a McChicken sandwich during breakfast hours. Admittedly, I was severely hungover and running on only a few hours sleep, but I wept like a baby until they made me my sandwich. (I assume this is the same kind of crying blackmail that people use to get out of speeding tickets). We all have bad days. More times than I can count, I’ve finished work, gone home and cried for hours. Over nothing. Just because it was a shitty Wednesday or it was raining outside or my jeans shrunk in the wash. Like all other emotions, it’s vital that you don’t bottle them up because if you do, like me, then you’ll soon find yourself stood outside the Black Horse/Sammis/Niche smoking area crying until someone has to scoop you up like an infant and take you home. And waking up in the morning with Labia Lids (swollen eyes after crying look like tiny vaginas on your face) is only going to make you feel worse. So be healthy, watch a sad film and cry it out.
20. The be all and end all- You must always, always, always love yourself. Soz, not soz, this broken record will never stop playing. It took me a pretty long time to realise how fuckin’ fabulous I am- seriously, all this ass and all this sass. However, jokes and over-arrogant comments aside, learning to love myself is the best lesson I’ve learnt to this date. And someone once taught me how to fit 20 marshmallows in my mouth, so that’s really saying something. It’s really hard to let someone else love you if you can’t love yourself! Beauty isn’t defined by shape and size. Trust me, you are beautiful. And smart. And enough. And forgetting that would be a stupid mistake.